Twisted Resolutions

This week breeds in all of us the desire to plan ahead, to look into the year to come and create resolutions.  Yes the mandatory New Year’s Resolutions!  What will it be this year?  Join a gym?  Lose 20 pounds? Get out of debt?  Improve your marriage?  These are all awesome goals, but did you make them last year?  How often do we make resolutions just to throw them out the window as soon as February comes around?   Now don’t hear me wrong, I think resolutions can be great, without setting a goal it can be impossible to get the kick-in-the-butt needed to create space in your life for changes.   So go ahead make your resolutions, but make sure to include time to make some twisted resolutions too…

What are twisted resolutions you ask?  Simple. 

Take 5 minutes and write down a list of 5 ways that you would like to improve your life in the next year….  Go ahead I’ll wait…

Great got your list!  

Maybe it looks something like this:

1)      I want to improve communication with my spouse

2)      I want spend more time with family

3)      I want read more books

4)      I want to go to the gym 3 times a week

5)      I want to read the Bible every day

Awesome resolutions right?  Now it is time to twist them!  

Rather than looking forward into 2011 and trying to figure out how in the world you are going to accomplish these tasks I want you to look backwards.   Take your list and think about 2010.  Write under each item 3 to 5 times in the past year when things went right!   Maybe they were not perfect they were not all bad either.   Remember that time back in October when you and your wife talked about that issue rather than fought, write it down.   Remember the great time you had playing monopoly with your kids?  Yeah, write that down too.  

Go through and twist your whole resolution list.  Have one goal that you are stuck finding a positive for?  Not so fast, if you wrote it on your resolution list for 2011 it didn’t come out of thin air.  Why did you list it as a goal?  We don’t usually resolve to climb Mount Everest if we have trouble making it up a flight of stairs.   Are there things that did happen in 2010 that give you encouragement that you can make this goal happen?  Write them down!  If not maybe you need to think about redefining your goal. 

Now your list should look something like this:

1)      I want to improve communication with my spouse

a.       In September we talked about our financial situation to plan for Christmas

b.      In October we had a great discussion about our sex life

c.       In April I felt heard when you asked me why I was stressed at work

2)      I want to spend more time with family

a.       Remember going to that coffee shop just the two of us last month?  I loved that!

b.      That day we were snowed in last January and spend the whole day playing games, that was great!

(You get the idea…)

After you have listed the positive steps you have made for 2010 you now you have a place to start for 2011.   You are much more likely to hold to resolutions and changes that already have a positive base for support!   When you twisted your resolutions you found places that needed growth, not just start from scratch change, but growth.   Ahhh but the twisting isn’t done just yet.

Now that you have your twisted resolution list it is time to put it into practice.   Take your list of resolutions and your list of 2010 positives and share it with someone:  Your spouse, your parents, your friends, someone!  Tell them about all of the positive events, the glowing examples that happened in 2010 that you want to build on in 2011.   Sharing your positive memories of 2010 with someone else will launch you 10 steps ahead as you then share your resolutions, dreams and goals that they can hold you accountable on for 2011.  

Grinch got your Christmas? 4 steps to take it back

This time of year is full of stress!  Shopping malls are packed, money is tight, there are three times as many events as normal, family and friends all have expectations of time together, our regular routine is destroyed, and our children are bouncing off the walls!  

There is so much that turns us into Christmas Grinch's here are 4 steps to get back your Christmas spirit!

1)      Remember:  take time to remind yourself why you are doing all of the things that are causing you stress!  Christmas is the celebration of Jesus.  Christmas is a special time with family and friends we love.  Christmas is time for making memories together.  These are the reasons that we put ourselves through all this stress!  Make sure you take time to remember what the point is!

2)      Reduce:  Take a look at your Christmas expectations.  Then prioritize.  What is absolutely essential?  What can wait?  Can a group of family or friends get together in January?  It might reduce everyone’s stress.  Does Uncle Joe really need another scarf or necktie?  A nice card or a donation in his name to your favorite charity could make a very quick, easy no stress gift. 

3)   Read:  Make sure you find time this Christmas to actually read the Christmas story.  To make this even easier, just click here to find it!   Are you celebrating with kids this year?  Make sure you find time to read the story to them!  My family is reading “One Wintry Night” by Ruth Graham as an Advent devotional.  It is a great retelling of the purpose of Christmas from a child’s perspective.  

4)      Respond:  Everyone is feeling the stress this Christmas.  If you run into someone who’s stress level is boiling over think about ways that you can help reduce their stress.  Your act of service for another will actually go a long way to help you Remember the point of Christmas and Reduce your stress level!  You get to do 3 steps in one shot!

Still feeling Grinchy?  Just remember this:

              God

              Reached

              Into the world

              Now

              Christ is

              Hope

Helping Jr. Catch Zzzzzzzz..

a follow up to our award winning post "Catching the Illusive Zzzzz's", just don't ask who gave the award...

Sleep and kids, While these two things seem like they should go together like peas and carrots, for some families it feels easier to accomplish world peace then to get their child to sleep peacefully in their own bed through the whole night! 

Sleep is important for everyone and it is simply vital for children!  There are many times where other issues like poor attention, irritability, depression, and even behavioral problems can be related, if not directly caused by inadequate sleep!   I know I am probably preaching to the choir here, we all know how important sleep is, the problem is convincing our children that it is important.   

There are three sleep related issues that we hear about most from parents “my child will only sleep in my bed”, “my child is having nightmares” or “he/she wakes up screaming!” .  Today I’ll try to define the difference between the last two comments and tackle how to help a child wrestling with nightmares.   I won't really tackle them, that probably wouldn't help, I'll just hopefully give you a few ideas....  In the next post, Screaming Sleep I will address the issue of night terrors and then in the last post of the series I will try to shed some light on the very challenging issue of getting a child to go to sleep and stay sleeping in their own bed!

Nightmares and Night Terrors:
Not all nightmares are the same.  There are two distinctly different types of “nightmares”.  While both are common what you do about them is quit different.  

Nightmares:  nightmares happen to most kids at some point in their development.  Some children are more bothered then others and sometimes they can have an impact on a child's long term sleep pattern.  Usually nightmares occur early in the morning, only a few hours before waking.  Your little one will probably wake up and come to you bedside for comfort.  When they do wake up from a nightmare they can usually they can tell you at least vague details about their dream and why it was scary.

Night Terrors:  night terrors are quite different then nightmares,  in a night terror the child will usually cry out, screaming in panic.  When you get to them they will be breathing fast, and maybe even sweating.  Their pupils may be dilated, (black of their eyes is larger than normal) and their hearts might be racing.  This will usually occur during the deepest part of their sleep, usually within 2 or 3 hours after the child went to sleep.  Even while screaming and in an apparent panic the child might still be asleep.  Yes they will be blissfully asleep while you will be startled  wide awake!  If awakened kids with night terrors are confused, they don’t answer questions well, and almost always don’t remember what happened. 

Nightmares are scary for kids… Night terrors are terrifying for parents!

Part 1: What do parents do about nightmares?

If your child is having nightmares you want to think comfort.  They are feeling the fear of whatever they were dreaming about and need reassurance they are safe.  The temptation for sleepy parents is to drag them into bed with you and give them the warmth and comfort they are seeking in your bed.   Unfortunately, this can lead to the other common problem of getting a child to stay in their bed all night!   So resist the urge!  I know you are tired but your getting up tonight will save you countless sleepless nights in the future!  

Step One:  When your adorable and scared little one comes to your room, lovingly walk them back to their bed.  Tuck them in, and then spend a few minutes talking to them.  The first question parents always ask their child, myself included here, is “what were you dreaming about?”  While you can ask this, don’t dwell on this subject at 4:00 am.  Your goal is to get them (and you) back to sleep as quickly as possible and your little one was just scared, talking about what made them scared is not exactly going to lead them to peaceful slumber again!   Your goal should be to reassure them that they are safe.  Just tucking them in, praying with them,  rubbing their back for a minute, and whispering “I love you” goes a long long way to help them feel safe!    This is all you need to do at first.  If after two or three minutes of this, they have not entered the groggy ready to fall asleep again phase then move to step 2. 

Step Two is to help them direct their thoughts and guide them to think on things that will bring about good feelings.  One of the gifts of childhood is the gift of imagination.  Kids will often want to think about some of their favorite things, knights guarding the tower, ponys riding rainbows or whatever they are into at the moment.  These fantasy thoughts can work for some children but for others they simply are not concrete enough.  If the normal fantasy thinking doesn't work help them direct their thoughts to a real, fun, positive event.  A time and place they can remember where they felt safe, happy, and loved.  If nightmares are a common theme for your child you will want to take some awake time with your little one to make a list of these times and events so they are at the tip of your fingertips when you need them at 4 am!  If step one and two are not working then it is time to pull out the big guns.... Ok guns might not work but its an idea...

Step Three: Nightmares are pliable.  All dreams, even the scary ones are simply our brains working on filing while you are not using it.   Sometimes a memory, thought, tv show, or some bit of information from the day can be recreated in this filing process and turns into a nightmare.   That's it.  You can help your child to understand that the nightmare they had is in their heads and it is not following a script that is already written.  They are the actor, director, and even script writer of this particular movie!   While this technique works best for children with vivid imaginations all children can grasp this idea.  During the day have you child tell you the story of one of their nightmares.  Then at the scary part, help them to rewrite the script.  Ask them what they would like to do to avoid being scared: fly away like superman, blast the monster into smithereens, grow to gigantic size and stomp the scary away, or whatever their little brains come up with.   Help them to make this new ending real!  Have them draw it in a picture, journal it, or re-tell it to their siblings.  The more vivid you can help them make this new ending, the more likely it will show up the next night in their now fun dream rather then terrifying nightmare.

Ok, so are you worried nightmares could be something more???  Here is what to watch out for:

• If the nightmares are effecting their day as well as their sleep
• If the nightmares is the same over and over again for several months
• If you or your family have just gone through a major life change (move, death, separation...)
• If you see other symptoms of anxiety in your child that are interfering with their day

If you see any of these issues adding to your child's nightmare it might be a good idea to talk to a counselor, pastor, or doctor.



Is there something else that has worked for your kids?  Let us know in the comments!

Read #2 in the series on Kids and Sleep:  Screaming Sleep

Catching the Illusive Z

Do you tossing and turn all night?  Struggle against insomnia?  Do your children experience nightmares or  sleep terror? 

Catching those illusive Zzzzz's has gotten harder and harder over the years.  It might seem strange for a counseling center’s blog to tackle the issue of sleep, but the truth is that the lack of sleep is often a significant root to many of the other problems we see in our offices every day!  sleep issues are deeper than just having trouble getting to sleep and feeling tired.   Everyone knows that if they miss a night of sleep they feel tired, distracted and often down in the dumps, but how can you tell if sleep problems are multiplying issues?  Depression, anxiety, and Attention Deficit Disorder are all impacted both by the amount and the quality of sleep you get.   Yes quality counts as much as quantity does when it comes to sleep!  A recent Discovery News article discussed the link between depression and excessive light from electronics during sleep.   All this is much easier to say then change!  How can you change your sleep?    Here are a few steps and a few tips we recommend…

Keep it regular- Do your best to keep the same hours every night.   This will help your body develop a rhythm of when you should be sleeping and when you should be awake.

Watch the caffeine- you might not feel it, but caffeine and other stimulants can have a dramatic effect of your body, which in turn will have an effect on your sleep.  Cut them out of your diet starting a minimum of 6 hours prior to the time you will be sleeping!

Kill the light- many people will say that they like to sleep with the TV on, or a light on in the room, but numerous studies have shown that this keeps our bodies from getting the rest from sleep that we need! Break the habit, and kill the light!

Add exercise- I know countless people have told you to start exercising, and here is another reason!  Exercise has been shown to help fight insomnia, and may even help promote deeper sleep

Ask your spouse -If your wife or husband tell you that you snore, or pauses in breathing, or have leg movements during sleep . Take this information seriously and go talk to your doctor!   You may have a sleep disorder that needs to be treated.

How do you tackle the even harder challenge of changing your child’s sleep patterns?  Tune in later this week for a post specifically addressing children’s sleep problems!

Help I'm Being Eaten by the Blob

We all have those things in our life that we are not proud of. The past events, the hidden issues, the shameful actions that we took years ago, or maybe just yesterday. These things are like a blob in our lives. Everyone has one a blob that keeps hanging around your heart. We do everything to try to hide it, decorate it, give it make-up to make it look nice, but it’s still there a ugly Blob!

This blob doesn’t just sit there, it’s an active guy in there! He usually comes with some very strong messages that somehow  speak directly into your heart. Yes it is a talking blob, you’ve seen some science fiction movies work with me here… It is this blob that often keep us out of relationships. When we come to our friends, our spouses, or our parents it is the shame and guilt of this blob that keeps us from the intimate relationship that we so often desire. The blob says “your no good” “your phony” and even “If they only knew about me, they would reject me”. In many people’s lives the blob can get rather noisy. We even protect this blob, people start getting too close uncovering it and WHAM we are out of there before they see THE BLOB in our lives.

This blob also can keep us out of relationship with God. We know God is there, tugging at our hearts, leading us down a path that could change everything, but those same messages get that blob in our hearts screaming! “If everyone knew about ME, they would toss you out of here!” and even “God won’t accept you! Not with me around!”. If you are anything like me those message get me thinking something like this. “Ok God I know you want me to live for you , but I have this blob here. So what I’ll do is go do some spring cleaning on this blob, then I’ll come back and we can talk.”  Then I’d leave making promises to myself about being better and getting this blog under control.  Then the next time I’d be back again saying the same thing, only the Blob has grown and gotten uglier!! The BLOB never seems to get cleaned up on its own. Try as I might, I just can’t clean away that blob!

This morning I was listening to one of my favorite songs “Oh How He Loves Us” by David Crowder Band, and there is a line that spoke directly to the blob in my life. 

       "We are drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes, if grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking” 

What does that  mean? Well let me try to translate. Redemption is a big word, but it could be easily translated “BLOB killing” it just doesn’t have the same ring to it for musical purposes. Grace is another one of those big tough to get a hold of terms, But let me put it this way. Grace is God knowing all about every inch of that Blob and completely loving you anyway.

Luck for all of us walking around with Blobs, that God’s grace is an ocean and we are all sinking in it. He doesn’t care about our Blobs, he doesn’t want us to clean up our blob’s first, he only wants US!

Next time you hear your blob talking to you, take a moment and think about looking into the EYES of God feeling that redemption and being washed in an ocean of grace. See if that quiets down that Blob and if you are able to enter into relationship in a different authentic way! Now that is true Blob killing!

(originally published 1/12/10)

Danger- Run Away!

I am not sure that I can say it any better than this sign! 

All too often I see teenagers, and yes even adults that feel like they can safely play around the edges of addictions without consequences. I hear comments like "I only get drunk when I'm at a party", or "smoking pot once in a while isn't a problem", or even "looking at porn every now and then isn't bad".

The problem with any of these statements is that you risk kissing a fish! OK, I can't say that I know too many people who actually kiss fish when they are using alcohol or drugs.  (Well I knew a guy who ate a live one once, but that's another story)   I do know to many people who have done things that are embarrassing, dangerous, life threatning, and many times have had things happen that are life changing!

In addition to all of those one time risks you need to take into account the risk of an addiction that could plague you for a very very long time! When you weigh risks these over any short term fun, or enjoyment the math simply does not add up! 

In Luke Jesus was teaching his followers and specifically talked about the consequence of "playing around with addiction" He said:

"But be on your guard. Don't let the sharp edge of your expectation get dulled by parties and drinking and shopping. Otherwise, that Day is going to take you by complete surprise, spring on you suddenly like a trap, for it's going to come on everyone, everywhere, at once. So, whatever you do, don't go to sleep at the switch. Pray constantly that you will have the strength and wits to make it through everything that's coming and end up on your feet before the Son of Man." Luke 21: 34-36 The Message

Ask yourself is it really really worth it?

Worry warts, worry cuts, worry burns, worry lives

Worry.... "I can't help it, I just have to worry it is who I am!" a mother told me recently. The problem was that her worry wasn't helping anything, it was actually so bad that it was driving a wedge between her and the rest of her family that she was worrying about. Of course the more there were annoyed with her worry and pulled away, the more she worried about them.

Worry is one of those things that many people feel like is simply a part of their make-up, part of how God originally designed some people as different as others. I don't know if this is true or not, but I do know that God doesn't want worry to stop us from living our lives. In fact he talks specifically about this in several places. Matthew 6: 25-34 talks about why we should not worry but the final verse (34) is the best. 

         Jesus says "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get

         worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with 

         whatever hard things come up when the time comes." (The Message)

Ohio newspaper woman Regina Brett recently wrote down her 45 Lessons she had learned during her 50 years of life. I wanted to share with you lesson number 40. 

"If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back." 

In the larger perspective of life here on earth, most of us have very little to worry about!  When we worry we take our eyes off of God. This is the bottom line, worry is breaking our concentration on what God has for us right now and placing it upon what we don't even know yet.  Furthermore, when we worry we tell everyone around us that "my problems are bigger than your problems" and thereby breaking down relationship with our family, friends and support system that are the exact people we will need in order to pull us through the next set of life's challenges.

If your life is peppered with out-of-control worry pray about it. Give your worry to God and look to what He has for you this very moment. Talk to someone, a friend, pastor or counselor about your worry to help give you tools on how to live every moment to the fullest. Don't give up! Most people who have lived with worry have done so for years and years, it won't go away all at once, but keep working on changing this pattern in your life!

Parenting- The adventure

Do you need this sign in front of your house? Or maybe in your living room! There are times I know I feel like my three kids are wildlife!

Parenting is an adventure! A crazy wild adventure that somehow seems to begin to answer the question: "how can you love someone so much can they can also make you want to pull the last of your hair out!" (it is one of the mysteries of God!). There are times that I look at my kids, often when they are sleeping, and I think "Wow, God how in the world did you create something so wonderful, so perfect?" 

Then there are other times, when I see one shove his brother, or talk back, or not listen, or the other million things children do and I say "Wow God, how in the world am I going to help these little people be successful adults?"

Last night I was reading a Bible story to my three kids, the story of the prodigal son found in Luke 15: 11-24. My three kids are all still young and this is not the easiest story to "edit" for young children's understanding, but I did my best. 

I told them that a son asked his father for money, left home, spent all the money on bad things, made some bad choices, then he decided to become pig farmer.  This is the point where my oldest stopped me and said "what's wrong with being a pig farmer?"  I sighed, rolled my eyes a bit and told him that this son was Jewish, and in Jesus' time Jewish people did not eat pigs, they did not touch pigs, they thought pigs were gross.  What I wanted to tell him was that pig farming would be like someone going out today and working in a strip club, or being a drug dealer.  It was one of the most un-Jewish jobs there ever could be.  This son didn't just turn his back on his father, on his family, but he turned his back on his faith too.

BUT... Then came the moral of the story!

"No matter what you do, God our father will always love you! And no matter what, even if mommy and daddy get upset with something you have done, we always love you, and nothing that you could do would ever change that!"

Take a moment today to tell your wildlife, ahh your children...young or old, just how much you love them! No matter what!  

First Day

The first day of school! These words come with a heap of anxiety, pangs of excitement, and yes even a few tears; and that is just for the parents! 

Kids emotions range from fear to thrills, nerves to joy! Each child is different, while one might be excited to go back, the next can't stand it.  One of the questions we hear all the time is:  "Why does my child seem to have a stomach ache every morning?" There can be lots of reasons for children to show anxiety about school and since kids usually cannot pin-point what is going on it can be very difficult for parents to figure out the problem and find a solution. Here are some things to look at while you are sleuthing to find the answer.

Social situations: How is your child doing making friends? Are they being bullied, or are they shy and take some time to make friends?
Social anxieties are common among children. Most parents can remember some awkward situations about friendships in elementary school, but each child is different. Take time to ask your child about who they like and don't like in their classroom. Find out why. If your child typically is slower to make friends make a point of finding opportunities for your child to get together outside of the classroom with some friend potentials! (play dates, or hanging out on the weekend can really help to start a great friendship). If your child is having difficulty with a bully in school try to teach your child how to be self confident, and at the same time reach out to the teacher with your concerns. (more about bullies in a later blog post!)

Educationally: Anxiety can arise from a difficulty with the material they are learning.
Talk to your child about what they are learning. What subjects they enjoy and what they can't stand. Find out why, what do and don't you like about it? or what is the easiest and hardest to learn? If you suspect a problem help your child work on it. It is possible they just forgot an important concept over the summer or are stuck on a new material and don't know the right questions to ask to get help. If the problems persist think about talking to the teacher for an educational evaluation. Remember all children can learn, they just all learn differently!

Reflect on your attitudes!: As difficult as this can be, your child will often reflect your attitude back to you!
If your first grader thinks that you will miss them terribly, and "won't know what to do without them at home all day." They can often find ways to stay home! Parent's attitudes are often a root cause of childhood anxiety! Check your own emotions and have a heart to heart with your child! Tell them that you will miss them, but how important school is. Tell they about some of your favorite experiences from when you were in school too!

Lastly don't hesitate to ask for help! Most teachers are very familiar with this issue, and school guidance counselors can give you some great tips and can help your child to relax once they do get into school!

(originally published 8/31/09)

 

Frustration Bringing Joy?

FRUSTRATION! I'm sure everyone can relate to a time where you are trying to get something done and it just isn't going the way it should! If it is putting together a last minute present Christmas night (parents I'm screaming to you!) or trying to make a website work, that frustration can just make you want to SCREAM!!! It seems as if you are so close, you can see the end in sight but you just can't quite reach it! How aggravating! But you know what, when I sit down and think about it I realize that is exactly how life goes many times.

We have a goal, a destination, or an event in mind that we think about, plan, and dream about sometimes for years. All the while life is going on around us, ticking by one day at a time. We strive hard for those days, events, goals of life and often feel the frustration when it is not quite working out!

Life seems to crash around us when we can't get it just right.

I once heard a story of some environmental workers who decided that they would "help" little defenseless baby turtles. The way the story went every year cute adorable baby turtles walk from their nest to the waves but this walk is fought with danger. Mean and not as cute birds and crabs gobble down the cute turtles by the hundreds. The environmentalists thought that they could help the adorable endangered turtles survive if only they removed this struggle.

One problem, they didn't know that it was the struggle, the long walk TOWARD their goal was important! Baby turtles as it turns out memorize something about the beach and location during their crawl and in 7 years, when they are ready to nest they will come back to the exact same location. When the helpful hands took away the struggle the turtles never returned and they may never mate or reproduce at all!

It was the struggle that made the goal worth achieving!

Next time you are in the middle of a struggle, or frustrated about the last steps toward a goal, remember the little sea turtle! Maybe in the end it will be the struggle not the goal that carries the reward!