Accountability: 6 Questions to Change A Life

After you have decided to get an accountability partner, or you have decided to be one the next question is, “What questions should I ask?” 

I am going to recommend 6 simple questions to ask every time you meet.  Of course you can add questions specific to your issues, or adjust the “free from ____” to meet your need.  Again these are going to be focused on the issue of pornography, but can be adapted as needed.

Question 1: Where you connecting with God in the last week?

This is the most important question, and thus it is the first!  Why don’t we start with how did you do since last time? Or even “Did you mess up?”  Simply because this is more important!  It is in the relationship with the forgiving Jesus that we will find the reason, and the strength to really break free.  It is essential that accountability looks closely at this relationship!  

Our relationship with Jesus ebbs and flows, just like every other relationship.  Even if we wanted to we cannot live on the mountain top where we feel his love very clearly.  The Bible guarantees that there will be times in the valley!  It is in these valley times that we most need the help and encouragement of our accountability partner! 

This question also helps accountability not only live in the past, but look forward!  Feeling distant this past week?  Then you can plan on increased temptation next week!

Question 2: If yes in question 1, how? In other words, how did you enjoy God this week? Reading? Prayer? Worship? Fellowship? Other?  If not, why?

Dive deeply into your relationship with Jesus!  Talk about your experiences with the Holy Spirit!  If you are feeling the distance talk about how that can and will change in the week to come! This is the real “meat” of your accountability time together!  And yes, we haven’t even got to “checking in” yet! 

Question 3: Were you free from pornography since last meeting?

I love that the “right” answer here is stated in the positive!  I know it is a subtle thing but I think it makes a difference!  Of course if the answer is no, then it is important to explore how pornography got in and what can be done to close that avenue of attack in the future.

Question 4: Were you free from self-gratification since last meeting?

I don’t want to get into the debate over the Biblical stance on masturbation here, but I think this is a very important question for anyone wrestling with pornography or sexual addictions.  Alcoholics don’t have a sip of wine, and people wrestling with sexual addiction shouldn’t masturbate.  It just leads down a slippery slope, regardless of your specific spiritual, personal, or Biblical opinions on the matter.

Question 5: How did you experience temptation since last meeting?

Notice this is not “have you experienced temptation” it is how!  Why?  For two reasons: 

First, we are told in 1 Corinthians 10:13 to expect temptation.  Christian’s are not immune to temptation, and we clearly see demonstrated throughout the Bible that temptation is not sin. 

Second, this question cuts through the “everything was great” attitude that often starts out accountability relationships.  Once partners get used to hearing about times of temptation, it will be easier to admit when and if there is a fall.

Question 6: How did you experience God’s escape plan in that temptation?

Along with the rather depressing news in 1 Corinthians 10:13 that we will experience temptation God made a promise!  He promised to “make the way of escape” apparent.  This is a promise from God and in my experience he always keeps his promises!  As you talk together you will learn to spot these “escape routes” during times of temptation.  These can be simply awesome stories of God’s faithfulness!  It isn’t everyday that we get to see a miracle happen right before our eyes, but in these little escape routes we do!  For more on this topic visit “God’s Exit Ramp”

That’s it!  6 questions that can literally change a life!   Try them out!  Do you have any adaptation?  Any other questions that you would recommend added?  Let us know in the comments!

Screaming Sleep

Today I’m continuing our series about sleep.  Check out the start of the series Catching the Illusive Z, and part 1 of kids and sleep with my post about nightmares Helping Jr. Catch Zzzz.

Today for part 2 of kids and sleep I will try to help those parents who have experienced the terrifying shrill cry of a child with a night terror.   First off let’s review what night terrors are.

What:  Night terrors are quite different then nightmares, in a night terror a child will usually cry out, screaming in panic.  When you get to them they will be breathing fast and maybe even sweating.  Their eyes will be open and their pupils may be dilated, (black of their eyes is larger than normal) and their hearts might be racing.  They might stay in bed, or they might start sleep walking in their panic.  Even while screaming and in an apparent panic the child is usually still asleep.  Yes they will be asleep while you will be startled wide awake! 

When:  Nightmares occur during the REM stage of sleep when dreams are active, on the other hand Night Terrors occur during stage 4 sleep.  This is the deepest sleep and will occur after 90 minutes of sleep and again at 2 or 2 1/2 hours of sleep. 

Why:  The exact causes of night terrors are unknown, but there are several factors that can contribute.

§  Stress

§  Being over tired

§  Change in routine or sleep schedule

§  Eating too much before bed

§  Some medications

None of these factors will actually cause the night terror but they seem to add to the likelihood of one occurring.

What to do:  If your child has a night terror the first thing to remember is that they are still asleep and will most likely not even remember this event the next morning.   Yes they just screamed out in panic but they are perfectly fine.   If they have stopped the panic by the time you get to them, then just let them continue sleeping and focus on reducing your own heart rate to help you get back to sleep too. 

If, on the other hand they are still screaming or panicked when you get to their bedside you have several options.

§  It is perfectly safe to wake someone having a night terror, just be gentle.

§  Don’t scream or yell at them, it will only serve to increase the panic even if you wake them in the process.

§  If they let you, you can just give them a hug and hold them for a moment while they settle, even without waking them if possible.

§  Don’t try to force physical contact if they don’t want it. 

§  Reassure them everything is OK and agree with with what they are saying, even if it doesn’t really make since. 

Remember night terrors are much more frightening for you the parent then they are for your child!

What if they continue?  An episode of night terrors does not signify anything is wrong with the child!  But they can be very disturbing to parents and the rest of the house.  If night terrors are just too frequent in your home and you feel you need to do something to stop the pattern then it is time to think about what you can do to prevent them and return peace to your night.  

§  Do your best to keep a sleep routine, keeping the same bed time every night

§  Take a closer look at the contributing factors above; is there anything you can do to avoid them?

§  As a last resort some Doctor’s will recommend waking your child exactly 90 minutes after they have fallen asleep.  This disruption to their sleep can often prevent the normal sleep cycle from occurring and help them jump right over stage 4 sleep.  

For more information check out this great site on Night Terrors.

Twisted Resolutions

This week breeds in all of us the desire to plan ahead, to look into the year to come and create resolutions.  Yes the mandatory New Year’s Resolutions!  What will it be this year?  Join a gym?  Lose 20 pounds? Get out of debt?  Improve your marriage?  These are all awesome goals, but did you make them last year?  How often do we make resolutions just to throw them out the window as soon as February comes around?   Now don’t hear me wrong, I think resolutions can be great, without setting a goal it can be impossible to get the kick-in-the-butt needed to create space in your life for changes.   So go ahead make your resolutions, but make sure to include time to make some twisted resolutions too…

What are twisted resolutions you ask?  Simple. 

Take 5 minutes and write down a list of 5 ways that you would like to improve your life in the next year….  Go ahead I’ll wait…

Great got your list!  

Maybe it looks something like this:

1)      I want to improve communication with my spouse

2)      I want spend more time with family

3)      I want read more books

4)      I want to go to the gym 3 times a week

5)      I want to read the Bible every day

Awesome resolutions right?  Now it is time to twist them!  

Rather than looking forward into 2011 and trying to figure out how in the world you are going to accomplish these tasks I want you to look backwards.   Take your list and think about 2010.  Write under each item 3 to 5 times in the past year when things went right!   Maybe they were not perfect they were not all bad either.   Remember that time back in October when you and your wife talked about that issue rather than fought, write it down.   Remember the great time you had playing monopoly with your kids?  Yeah, write that down too.  

Go through and twist your whole resolution list.  Have one goal that you are stuck finding a positive for?  Not so fast, if you wrote it on your resolution list for 2011 it didn’t come out of thin air.  Why did you list it as a goal?  We don’t usually resolve to climb Mount Everest if we have trouble making it up a flight of stairs.   Are there things that did happen in 2010 that give you encouragement that you can make this goal happen?  Write them down!  If not maybe you need to think about redefining your goal. 

Now your list should look something like this:

1)      I want to improve communication with my spouse

a.       In September we talked about our financial situation to plan for Christmas

b.      In October we had a great discussion about our sex life

c.       In April I felt heard when you asked me why I was stressed at work

2)      I want to spend more time with family

a.       Remember going to that coffee shop just the two of us last month?  I loved that!

b.      That day we were snowed in last January and spend the whole day playing games, that was great!

(You get the idea…)

After you have listed the positive steps you have made for 2010 you now you have a place to start for 2011.   You are much more likely to hold to resolutions and changes that already have a positive base for support!   When you twisted your resolutions you found places that needed growth, not just start from scratch change, but growth.   Ahhh but the twisting isn’t done just yet.

Now that you have your twisted resolution list it is time to put it into practice.   Take your list of resolutions and your list of 2010 positives and share it with someone:  Your spouse, your parents, your friends, someone!  Tell them about all of the positive events, the glowing examples that happened in 2010 that you want to build on in 2011.   Sharing your positive memories of 2010 with someone else will launch you 10 steps ahead as you then share your resolutions, dreams and goals that they can hold you accountable on for 2011.  

Grinch got your Christmas? 4 steps to take it back

This time of year is full of stress!  Shopping malls are packed, money is tight, there are three times as many events as normal, family and friends all have expectations of time together, our regular routine is destroyed, and our children are bouncing off the walls!  

There is so much that turns us into Christmas Grinch's here are 4 steps to get back your Christmas spirit!

1)      Remember:  take time to remind yourself why you are doing all of the things that are causing you stress!  Christmas is the celebration of Jesus.  Christmas is a special time with family and friends we love.  Christmas is time for making memories together.  These are the reasons that we put ourselves through all this stress!  Make sure you take time to remember what the point is!

2)      Reduce:  Take a look at your Christmas expectations.  Then prioritize.  What is absolutely essential?  What can wait?  Can a group of family or friends get together in January?  It might reduce everyone’s stress.  Does Uncle Joe really need another scarf or necktie?  A nice card or a donation in his name to your favorite charity could make a very quick, easy no stress gift. 

3)   Read:  Make sure you find time this Christmas to actually read the Christmas story.  To make this even easier, just click here to find it!   Are you celebrating with kids this year?  Make sure you find time to read the story to them!  My family is reading “One Wintry Night” by Ruth Graham as an Advent devotional.  It is a great retelling of the purpose of Christmas from a child’s perspective.  

4)      Respond:  Everyone is feeling the stress this Christmas.  If you run into someone who’s stress level is boiling over think about ways that you can help reduce their stress.  Your act of service for another will actually go a long way to help you Remember the point of Christmas and Reduce your stress level!  You get to do 3 steps in one shot!

Still feeling Grinchy?  Just remember this:

              God

              Reached

              Into the world

              Now

              Christ is

              Hope

Helping Jr. Catch Zzzzzzzz..

a follow up to our award winning post "Catching the Illusive Zzzzz's", just don't ask who gave the award...

Sleep and kids, While these two things seem like they should go together like peas and carrots, for some families it feels easier to accomplish world peace then to get their child to sleep peacefully in their own bed through the whole night! 

Sleep is important for everyone and it is simply vital for children!  There are many times where other issues like poor attention, irritability, depression, and even behavioral problems can be related, if not directly caused by inadequate sleep!   I know I am probably preaching to the choir here, we all know how important sleep is, the problem is convincing our children that it is important.   

There are three sleep related issues that we hear about most from parents “my child will only sleep in my bed”, “my child is having nightmares” or “he/she wakes up screaming!” .  Today I’ll try to define the difference between the last two comments and tackle how to help a child wrestling with nightmares.   I won't really tackle them, that probably wouldn't help, I'll just hopefully give you a few ideas....  In the next post, Screaming Sleep I will address the issue of night terrors and then in the last post of the series I will try to shed some light on the very challenging issue of getting a child to go to sleep and stay sleeping in their own bed!

Nightmares and Night Terrors:
Not all nightmares are the same.  There are two distinctly different types of “nightmares”.  While both are common what you do about them is quit different.  

Nightmares:  nightmares happen to most kids at some point in their development.  Some children are more bothered then others and sometimes they can have an impact on a child's long term sleep pattern.  Usually nightmares occur early in the morning, only a few hours before waking.  Your little one will probably wake up and come to you bedside for comfort.  When they do wake up from a nightmare they can usually they can tell you at least vague details about their dream and why it was scary.

Night Terrors:  night terrors are quite different then nightmares,  in a night terror the child will usually cry out, screaming in panic.  When you get to them they will be breathing fast, and maybe even sweating.  Their pupils may be dilated, (black of their eyes is larger than normal) and their hearts might be racing.  This will usually occur during the deepest part of their sleep, usually within 2 or 3 hours after the child went to sleep.  Even while screaming and in an apparent panic the child might still be asleep.  Yes they will be blissfully asleep while you will be startled  wide awake!  If awakened kids with night terrors are confused, they don’t answer questions well, and almost always don’t remember what happened. 

Nightmares are scary for kids… Night terrors are terrifying for parents!

Part 1: What do parents do about nightmares?

If your child is having nightmares you want to think comfort.  They are feeling the fear of whatever they were dreaming about and need reassurance they are safe.  The temptation for sleepy parents is to drag them into bed with you and give them the warmth and comfort they are seeking in your bed.   Unfortunately, this can lead to the other common problem of getting a child to stay in their bed all night!   So resist the urge!  I know you are tired but your getting up tonight will save you countless sleepless nights in the future!  

Step One:  When your adorable and scared little one comes to your room, lovingly walk them back to their bed.  Tuck them in, and then spend a few minutes talking to them.  The first question parents always ask their child, myself included here, is “what were you dreaming about?”  While you can ask this, don’t dwell on this subject at 4:00 am.  Your goal is to get them (and you) back to sleep as quickly as possible and your little one was just scared, talking about what made them scared is not exactly going to lead them to peaceful slumber again!   Your goal should be to reassure them that they are safe.  Just tucking them in, praying with them,  rubbing their back for a minute, and whispering “I love you” goes a long long way to help them feel safe!    This is all you need to do at first.  If after two or three minutes of this, they have not entered the groggy ready to fall asleep again phase then move to step 2. 

Step Two is to help them direct their thoughts and guide them to think on things that will bring about good feelings.  One of the gifts of childhood is the gift of imagination.  Kids will often want to think about some of their favorite things, knights guarding the tower, ponys riding rainbows or whatever they are into at the moment.  These fantasy thoughts can work for some children but for others they simply are not concrete enough.  If the normal fantasy thinking doesn't work help them direct their thoughts to a real, fun, positive event.  A time and place they can remember where they felt safe, happy, and loved.  If nightmares are a common theme for your child you will want to take some awake time with your little one to make a list of these times and events so they are at the tip of your fingertips when you need them at 4 am!  If step one and two are not working then it is time to pull out the big guns.... Ok guns might not work but its an idea...

Step Three: Nightmares are pliable.  All dreams, even the scary ones are simply our brains working on filing while you are not using it.   Sometimes a memory, thought, tv show, or some bit of information from the day can be recreated in this filing process and turns into a nightmare.   That's it.  You can help your child to understand that the nightmare they had is in their heads and it is not following a script that is already written.  They are the actor, director, and even script writer of this particular movie!   While this technique works best for children with vivid imaginations all children can grasp this idea.  During the day have you child tell you the story of one of their nightmares.  Then at the scary part, help them to rewrite the script.  Ask them what they would like to do to avoid being scared: fly away like superman, blast the monster into smithereens, grow to gigantic size and stomp the scary away, or whatever their little brains come up with.   Help them to make this new ending real!  Have them draw it in a picture, journal it, or re-tell it to their siblings.  The more vivid you can help them make this new ending, the more likely it will show up the next night in their now fun dream rather then terrifying nightmare.

Ok, so are you worried nightmares could be something more???  Here is what to watch out for:

• If the nightmares are effecting their day as well as their sleep
• If the nightmares is the same over and over again for several months
• If you or your family have just gone through a major life change (move, death, separation...)
• If you see other symptoms of anxiety in your child that are interfering with their day

If you see any of these issues adding to your child's nightmare it might be a good idea to talk to a counselor, pastor, or doctor.



Is there something else that has worked for your kids?  Let us know in the comments!

Read #2 in the series on Kids and Sleep:  Screaming Sleep