Helping Jr. Catch Zzzzzzzz..

a follow up to our award winning post "Catching the Illusive Zzzzz's", just don't ask who gave the award...

Sleep and kids, While these two things seem like they should go together like peas and carrots, for some families it feels easier to accomplish world peace then to get their child to sleep peacefully in their own bed through the whole night! 

Sleep is important for everyone and it is simply vital for children!  There are many times where other issues like poor attention, irritability, depression, and even behavioral problems can be related, if not directly caused by inadequate sleep!   I know I am probably preaching to the choir here, we all know how important sleep is, the problem is convincing our children that it is important.   

There are three sleep related issues that we hear about most from parents “my child will only sleep in my bed”, “my child is having nightmares” or “he/she wakes up screaming!” .  Today I’ll try to define the difference between the last two comments and tackle how to help a child wrestling with nightmares.   I won't really tackle them, that probably wouldn't help, I'll just hopefully give you a few ideas....  In the next post, Screaming Sleep I will address the issue of night terrors and then in the last post of the series I will try to shed some light on the very challenging issue of getting a child to go to sleep and stay sleeping in their own bed!

Nightmares and Night Terrors:
Not all nightmares are the same.  There are two distinctly different types of “nightmares”.  While both are common what you do about them is quit different.  

Nightmares:  nightmares happen to most kids at some point in their development.  Some children are more bothered then others and sometimes they can have an impact on a child's long term sleep pattern.  Usually nightmares occur early in the morning, only a few hours before waking.  Your little one will probably wake up and come to you bedside for comfort.  When they do wake up from a nightmare they can usually they can tell you at least vague details about their dream and why it was scary.

Night Terrors:  night terrors are quite different then nightmares,  in a night terror the child will usually cry out, screaming in panic.  When you get to them they will be breathing fast, and maybe even sweating.  Their pupils may be dilated, (black of their eyes is larger than normal) and their hearts might be racing.  This will usually occur during the deepest part of their sleep, usually within 2 or 3 hours after the child went to sleep.  Even while screaming and in an apparent panic the child might still be asleep.  Yes they will be blissfully asleep while you will be startled  wide awake!  If awakened kids with night terrors are confused, they don’t answer questions well, and almost always don’t remember what happened. 

Nightmares are scary for kids… Night terrors are terrifying for parents!

Part 1: What do parents do about nightmares?

If your child is having nightmares you want to think comfort.  They are feeling the fear of whatever they were dreaming about and need reassurance they are safe.  The temptation for sleepy parents is to drag them into bed with you and give them the warmth and comfort they are seeking in your bed.   Unfortunately, this can lead to the other common problem of getting a child to stay in their bed all night!   So resist the urge!  I know you are tired but your getting up tonight will save you countless sleepless nights in the future!  

Step One:  When your adorable and scared little one comes to your room, lovingly walk them back to their bed.  Tuck them in, and then spend a few minutes talking to them.  The first question parents always ask their child, myself included here, is “what were you dreaming about?”  While you can ask this, don’t dwell on this subject at 4:00 am.  Your goal is to get them (and you) back to sleep as quickly as possible and your little one was just scared, talking about what made them scared is not exactly going to lead them to peaceful slumber again!   Your goal should be to reassure them that they are safe.  Just tucking them in, praying with them,  rubbing their back for a minute, and whispering “I love you” goes a long long way to help them feel safe!    This is all you need to do at first.  If after two or three minutes of this, they have not entered the groggy ready to fall asleep again phase then move to step 2. 

Step Two is to help them direct their thoughts and guide them to think on things that will bring about good feelings.  One of the gifts of childhood is the gift of imagination.  Kids will often want to think about some of their favorite things, knights guarding the tower, ponys riding rainbows or whatever they are into at the moment.  These fantasy thoughts can work for some children but for others they simply are not concrete enough.  If the normal fantasy thinking doesn't work help them direct their thoughts to a real, fun, positive event.  A time and place they can remember where they felt safe, happy, and loved.  If nightmares are a common theme for your child you will want to take some awake time with your little one to make a list of these times and events so they are at the tip of your fingertips when you need them at 4 am!  If step one and two are not working then it is time to pull out the big guns.... Ok guns might not work but its an idea...

Step Three: Nightmares are pliable.  All dreams, even the scary ones are simply our brains working on filing while you are not using it.   Sometimes a memory, thought, tv show, or some bit of information from the day can be recreated in this filing process and turns into a nightmare.   That's it.  You can help your child to understand that the nightmare they had is in their heads and it is not following a script that is already written.  They are the actor, director, and even script writer of this particular movie!   While this technique works best for children with vivid imaginations all children can grasp this idea.  During the day have you child tell you the story of one of their nightmares.  Then at the scary part, help them to rewrite the script.  Ask them what they would like to do to avoid being scared: fly away like superman, blast the monster into smithereens, grow to gigantic size and stomp the scary away, or whatever their little brains come up with.   Help them to make this new ending real!  Have them draw it in a picture, journal it, or re-tell it to their siblings.  The more vivid you can help them make this new ending, the more likely it will show up the next night in their now fun dream rather then terrifying nightmare.

Ok, so are you worried nightmares could be something more???  Here is what to watch out for:

• If the nightmares are effecting their day as well as their sleep
• If the nightmares is the same over and over again for several months
• If you or your family have just gone through a major life change (move, death, separation...)
• If you see other symptoms of anxiety in your child that are interfering with their day

If you see any of these issues adding to your child's nightmare it might be a good idea to talk to a counselor, pastor, or doctor.



Is there something else that has worked for your kids?  Let us know in the comments!

Read #2 in the series on Kids and Sleep:  Screaming Sleep

Catching the Illusive Z

Do you tossing and turn all night?  Struggle against insomnia?  Do your children experience nightmares or  sleep terror? 

Catching those illusive Zzzzz's has gotten harder and harder over the years.  It might seem strange for a counseling center’s blog to tackle the issue of sleep, but the truth is that the lack of sleep is often a significant root to many of the other problems we see in our offices every day!  sleep issues are deeper than just having trouble getting to sleep and feeling tired.   Everyone knows that if they miss a night of sleep they feel tired, distracted and often down in the dumps, but how can you tell if sleep problems are multiplying issues?  Depression, anxiety, and Attention Deficit Disorder are all impacted both by the amount and the quality of sleep you get.   Yes quality counts as much as quantity does when it comes to sleep!  A recent Discovery News article discussed the link between depression and excessive light from electronics during sleep.   All this is much easier to say then change!  How can you change your sleep?    Here are a few steps and a few tips we recommend…

Keep it regular- Do your best to keep the same hours every night.   This will help your body develop a rhythm of when you should be sleeping and when you should be awake.

Watch the caffeine- you might not feel it, but caffeine and other stimulants can have a dramatic effect of your body, which in turn will have an effect on your sleep.  Cut them out of your diet starting a minimum of 6 hours prior to the time you will be sleeping!

Kill the light- many people will say that they like to sleep with the TV on, or a light on in the room, but numerous studies have shown that this keeps our bodies from getting the rest from sleep that we need! Break the habit, and kill the light!

Add exercise- I know countless people have told you to start exercising, and here is another reason!  Exercise has been shown to help fight insomnia, and may even help promote deeper sleep

Ask your spouse -If your wife or husband tell you that you snore, or pauses in breathing, or have leg movements during sleep . Take this information seriously and go talk to your doctor!   You may have a sleep disorder that needs to be treated.

How do you tackle the even harder challenge of changing your child’s sleep patterns?  Tune in later this week for a post specifically addressing children’s sleep problems!

Worry warts, worry cuts, worry burns, worry lives

Worry.... "I can't help it, I just have to worry it is who I am!" a mother told me recently. The problem was that her worry wasn't helping anything, it was actually so bad that it was driving a wedge between her and the rest of her family that she was worrying about. Of course the more there were annoyed with her worry and pulled away, the more she worried about them.

Worry is one of those things that many people feel like is simply a part of their make-up, part of how God originally designed some people as different as others. I don't know if this is true or not, but I do know that God doesn't want worry to stop us from living our lives. In fact he talks specifically about this in several places. Matthew 6: 25-34 talks about why we should not worry but the final verse (34) is the best. 

         Jesus says "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get

         worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with 

         whatever hard things come up when the time comes." (The Message)

Ohio newspaper woman Regina Brett recently wrote down her 45 Lessons she had learned during her 50 years of life. I wanted to share with you lesson number 40. 

"If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back." 

In the larger perspective of life here on earth, most of us have very little to worry about!  When we worry we take our eyes off of God. This is the bottom line, worry is breaking our concentration on what God has for us right now and placing it upon what we don't even know yet.  Furthermore, when we worry we tell everyone around us that "my problems are bigger than your problems" and thereby breaking down relationship with our family, friends and support system that are the exact people we will need in order to pull us through the next set of life's challenges.

If your life is peppered with out-of-control worry pray about it. Give your worry to God and look to what He has for you this very moment. Talk to someone, a friend, pastor or counselor about your worry to help give you tools on how to live every moment to the fullest. Don't give up! Most people who have lived with worry have done so for years and years, it won't go away all at once, but keep working on changing this pattern in your life!

First Day

The first day of school! These words come with a heap of anxiety, pangs of excitement, and yes even a few tears; and that is just for the parents! 

Kids emotions range from fear to thrills, nerves to joy! Each child is different, while one might be excited to go back, the next can't stand it.  One of the questions we hear all the time is:  "Why does my child seem to have a stomach ache every morning?" There can be lots of reasons for children to show anxiety about school and since kids usually cannot pin-point what is going on it can be very difficult for parents to figure out the problem and find a solution. Here are some things to look at while you are sleuthing to find the answer.

Social situations: How is your child doing making friends? Are they being bullied, or are they shy and take some time to make friends?
Social anxieties are common among children. Most parents can remember some awkward situations about friendships in elementary school, but each child is different. Take time to ask your child about who they like and don't like in their classroom. Find out why. If your child typically is slower to make friends make a point of finding opportunities for your child to get together outside of the classroom with some friend potentials! (play dates, or hanging out on the weekend can really help to start a great friendship). If your child is having difficulty with a bully in school try to teach your child how to be self confident, and at the same time reach out to the teacher with your concerns. (more about bullies in a later blog post!)

Educationally: Anxiety can arise from a difficulty with the material they are learning.
Talk to your child about what they are learning. What subjects they enjoy and what they can't stand. Find out why, what do and don't you like about it? or what is the easiest and hardest to learn? If you suspect a problem help your child work on it. It is possible they just forgot an important concept over the summer or are stuck on a new material and don't know the right questions to ask to get help. If the problems persist think about talking to the teacher for an educational evaluation. Remember all children can learn, they just all learn differently!

Reflect on your attitudes!: As difficult as this can be, your child will often reflect your attitude back to you!
If your first grader thinks that you will miss them terribly, and "won't know what to do without them at home all day." They can often find ways to stay home! Parent's attitudes are often a root cause of childhood anxiety! Check your own emotions and have a heart to heart with your child! Tell them that you will miss them, but how important school is. Tell they about some of your favorite experiences from when you were in school too!

Lastly don't hesitate to ask for help! Most teachers are very familiar with this issue, and school guidance counselors can give you some great tips and can help your child to relax once they do get into school!

(originally published 8/31/09)